Less of Paige

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Change of Plans

The plan this weekend was to go away for the weekend. My friend who is getting married lives six hours away, and my plan was to go to her house for the weekend. She was having a putting-together-favors shindig, and I was going to help.

She called me about twenty minutes before I left to tell me that, "Change of plans. I have to go have my appendix out." I made sure she was ok, made sure she didn't want me to come up to be with her, then told her I'd call her in a few days.

My first feeling, before the disappointment set in? Was relief.

I have been very nervous about this weekend. When I'm home, in in total control of food. If I make a bad choice, it's because I wanted to. Since I started back on the 'xchange, I haven't wanted to. I've been making really good choices. I was was so scared to go away and have a hard time.

If I get frustrated with my choices, I give up very quickly and just say, "I'll start again on Monday" and then Monday becomes six weeks, or six months, or a year later. I, once again, feel like an alcoholic. Like someone who has been controlling their environment so they are less tempted. And like someone who was nervous to be in a tempting environment- feeling like I don't have enough conrol over my addiction yet to be away. I know that sounds drastic, but it's exactly what I was feeling.

I didn't want to have to figure out breakfast. What if she didn't have things I could eat? What was I going to do when they had pizza? When we went out for chicken wings? How do I figure out how many chicken wings makes two ounces of chicken? Would she have enough fruit? (I actually had some fruit packed for myself.) Would there be any veggies I could snack on? The questions were making me crazy. I tried going in to it thinking, "I'll just make good choices." But that's often easier said than done for me.

I didn't feel ready yet an open weekend of making good choices. I'm doing so well with the structure I have, I wasn't ready to leave it just yet.

So. I'm very sad- I was so looking forward to this weekend and some friend time. I've been missing being with a good friend, even just for a little while. I'm disappointed, but also relieved in some ways. I hope that I can figure this stuff out. I want to keep losing weight and there are - so far- six other weekends I'm going away this summer, into September.

Salad, anyone?


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