So.
I kind of took a break. It was an unplanned break, but yes a break nonetheless. I guess that while I'm not doing anything about my weight, there isn't much to say in my weight loss blog. Ha. There are a few non-weight related posts I want to write, but I'm still gearing up for them.

In the meantime. Let's talk about weight and babies.

I've wanted babies ever since, well, probably since I was a baby. Practically. When I played pretend, usually I was the mom of alot of babies. My barbies all had babies. When I wasn't playing Little House on the Prairie, I was a mom. I wanted ten (*gasp*) kids. I thought I'd be a great mom to ten kids, when I was ten.

Then I started babysitting. Yes. People let me care for their small children starting when I was about eleven. The thought now? Gives me heebie jeebies. I can't imagine anyone less than... I don't know? College age? Caring for my children. I started as a Mother's Helper, watching children while their moms did things around the house. Then I got older and the moms would leave while the babies were napping. Then I got older and the moms and dads would leave at night. By the time I was thirteen or so, I was watching several children of various ages for full days. I loved to babysit. I was a popular babysitter, clearly I was very good at what I did. I babysat all through high school. WhenI was younger I had a whole range of families. As I got older and got a social life (sort of) and worked at "real" jobs, I had 2-3 families I consistently babysat for. I knew these kids all growing up.

I still babysit. I still love it, I'm so weird. I watch my niece and nephew, but that's not really babysitting to me. I watch my friend's son. It only feels like I'm babysitting when he goes to bed and I watch TV.

But I'm ready for my own kids. When Khalil and I started dating, I informed him I wanted four children. He informed me he wanted one. Huh. We have since compromised, but let's get through the first one and see where we are.

What, do you ask, does having children have to do with your weight? Apparently, just about everything. For several years now, every time I have been to the doctor I have been told to lose weight. I have been lectured about the health risks of my weight. I was told I am obese, and I must lose weight or I will die. (just kidding, kind of.) The more people TELL me to lose weight, the worse I am at actually losing weight.

Which puts me in a funky situation. After my last annual appointment with my ob-gyn, we met to meet about the various issues and questions I had about pregnancy in the next... six months or so? I had lots of questions: I am heterozygous for MTHFR (take folic acid), there are two children with Down Syndrome in my family (a niece and you all have seen my adorable nephew) (solution? my nephew doesn't have the genetic kind of DS- shan you want to help me here?, so we should be ok, apparently that's just a weird coincidence), and a baby with a NTD. You all have read about that, solution folic acid. The last of my questions, and the biggest of my ob-gyn's concerns, was that I have an elevated insulin.

She asked me to see a Diabetes Doctor. She told me that if I want to start trying, she wants my insulin "under control" first. Basically, what she said to me was, if you want to have babies take care of your problem. I'll the Diabetes Doctor my Sugar Doc. He is an older man who only sees new clients at 1pm on Wednesdays and Fridays. Bizarre if you ask me. He wore a tweed coat. He told me that there could be several reasons for my elevated insulin. Maybe it's insulin resistance. Maybe I have diabetes. Maybe it's PCO (polycystic ovarian disease, well known on the internet as PCOS, he called it PCO). The nail in my coffin? Maybe it's obesity.

We talked about my weight history.
Have you always been heavy? Yes.
What did you weigh in high school? Maybe 150? I gained alot after that.
How much? Well, I weigh about 210 now, 221 at my highest. He writes furiously.
Oh, you've tried Weight Watchers? Yes. I lost about 35 pounds on Weight Watchers, got down to 175 or so.
So, since you've done WW, and it worked, what's the... ? The problem, you ask? Motivation, I guess. I don't know. (If I knew what exactly the problem was, don't you think I'd fix it??? )Then: Do you want to see the nutritionist? Is she going to put me on the Diabestes Exchange Diet?
Yes. Then no thank you.

He smiled. He was nice. And compassionate. I know he made a few insensitive comments. But I'm also overly sensitive about this stuff. He knew his stuff. I liked his plan. I agreed with it. I liked that he made the plan, and while he asked for my input, he didn't ask me to make the plan for him. He checked in with me to make sure I knew. He went over the plan with me about five times, because I kept asking him.

The plan has five points.

The most glaring and important though? If I want to lower my insulin, I better lose weight.

The pressure is on. If I want to have babies, I need to lose weight. The more pressure I have to lose weight, the worse I am at losing. I guess there's no time like the present to change that dynamic, right?