Sometimes God Talks Through The Radio

Khalil and I (but in all honesty, mostly me) are doing the medical stuff necessary to get ready to have babies. We're not trying now, and we're not pregnant, so don't go there, because that isn't what this is about.

This is a very scary event for me. Our family has some issues, for lack of a better word, that may or may not have some affect on my pregnancies/ children.

The one that is causing me the most... fear, I guess... anxiety? is the birth and death of my niece. She is the middle child of my sister. Her name is Hannah Grace, Baby Hannah to Caleb and Ellie. There's so much I could write about her, but tonight is not the night.

Hannah died of anencephaly- she was born without a brain or skull, only a brain stem. She lived for one precious week.

Hannah's birth and death was the first time I started questioning my relationship with God. I don't think this is a bad thing (the questioning, that is). I think that God can handle questioning and anger- if He couldn't, He wouldn't be worth it. He wouldn't be God.

I didn't understand why He did it. I didn't get why He let her be conceived if he was just going to take her anyway. Why break my sister's heart, and her husband's heart, and crack all of ours? Why? I was pissed. I felt like God was an asshole (He knows I mean no disrespect. Him and I have talked this out). I wondered how I could trust someone, let my life be in the control of someone, who did horrible things, or let them happen.

This was a few years ago, about five and a half. And in all honesty, it's not all resolved. Which brings me to tonight. I have been having a very hard time with this whole "preconception" crap. Tonight, at yoga of all places, I figured out what was going on with me.

I'm scared. And the root of the fear comes in difficulty trusting God. He let my sister have a baby who died- what's stopping Him from letting the same thing happen to me? Huh? Does he really care, about me? About us? Our family?

Tonight I told God this. I told him that I'm still scared to trust Him with this. That I don't like putting this in his hands because I'm not sure what he'll do with it, with our future, with our children. Will he take them away too? I told Him that I want to trust Him, but I need to know how. That I don't understand. That I need help. Please help me. Because if You, God, can't help me, I don't know how I'll get through this.

That's when he talked to me through the radio. Call me naive, call it a weird coincidence, tell me I'm believing something because I want or need to. But I know it's true. I know, in my heart of hearts, that God talked to me through the radio. This song came on:

I'll Stand By You
The Pretenders

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now.
Don't be ashamed to cry,
let me see you through
Cause I've seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you,
you don't know what to do,
Nothing you confess
could make me love you less
I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
So, if you're mad get mad,
don't hold it all inside ,
Come on and talk to me now.
And hey, what you got to hide ?
I get angry too
But I'm alot like you.
When you're standing at the crossroads ,
don't know which path to choose ,
Let me come along ,
cause even if your wrong
I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
Take me into your darkest hour ,
and I'll never desert you.
I'll stand by you.
And when, when the night falls on you baby ,
you're feeling all alone ,
You won't be on your own,
I'll stand by you.
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you,
won't let nobody hurt you.
I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour
and I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you.
*************************************

I just cried and cried. By the end of the song I could kind of sing with them. But I knew exactly what God was telling me. If you're not sure, go back and read the lyrics again.

I had a new prayer next. It was, "fine, you got my attention. FINE. I'll believe you. I have to. You're right, God, I don't have to get it. I don't have to understand what you were doing with Hannah, or any of the other things. I just have to know and trust that you and your purposes? Are bigger than me. And that you've got it under control. And I have to let you have the control, and rest in you and rest in trusting you. And trust you in an less naive way than I used to- I used to trust that good things would come. Now I have to trust that no matter what happens, you'll stand by me." And that that's really all I'll need.

I told Him, too, that I might try and take it back. You know, the not trusting. But that I'm going to work really hard to leave it with him- the future. And our babies. And pregnancies. And trust that it's ok that He's in control. Because He does love me, He doesn't want to let anyone hurt me, not in that way, and He will stand by me.