Less of Paige

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Weighty Issues in Blogland

I read Melissa regularly. She's funny and honest. And real. Today I read this post about weight. I started it at work (shh) but had to finish it at work. Here's where things get a teeny confusing. Because Melissa was writing about another post, this one. Go read both those posts. Then we'll talk.

Are you back?

The whole thing bothers me. Of course it does, because I am fat. Or, if you want to not make people so uncomfortable, I'm overweight. I weigh, at last visit to the scale, 211. I've never been skinny, but I certainly am at my highest ever. I guess I'm lucky, though. Both Melissa and morphing into Mama (MIM) were skinny when they got married. And they both talk about the weight they've gained over the years as a result of getting older, and bearing children, etc. MIM asks in her post whether or not that's false advertising:

“Right. Look, my point is, I work to maintain my figure for myself and my husband. If I had been 160 pounds when we married that would one thing. Then it would be totally unreasonable for him to want me to be 120 pounds. But it would be false advertising if he’d married his 120 pound girlfriend and ended up with a 160 pound wife.”

I have to say, for the first time ever in my whole life, I guess I'm happy that I have never been a small girl. Because my husband knew that I struggled with weight when I married him. He does, too. So I guess if there was going to be "false advertising" in our marriag, it would be that he married someone overweight and she lost alot of weight (we'll see) and now he had a skinny wife instead of a plump one.

Melissa writes about her and her husband. And I think there is a trace of that feeling of false advertising for her too, but I like this sentence:

What's especially amusing is if you asked my husband if he'd want me to be the same person I was at 110 pounds I have no doubt he would say no. He loves the person I am now far more.

In the years since we have been married, I have yo-yo-ed along a continuum of fify pounds. And folks? We've only been married less than two years. But I know that my husband talks about who I was when we first met (insecure, somewhat closed-minded, judgemental) and who I've become, and appreciates the growth. Not the girth growth. But he never complains about the girth growth. In fact, when I'm crying about it, he's telling me how much he loves me, that I've always turned him on, that the weight isn't what it's about.

I guess I'm just grateful that while it's a personal issues for me, my weight has never been an issue in our marriage. The only real thing is that he knows that my weight can make me unhappy and depressed- (I don't gain weight, as MIM suggests, because I lack self-respect and am depressed. I get depressed because I gain weight). And my husband wants me to be happy. So he says things like, "I don't care how much you weight. I'm going to love you no matter what. But I want you to be happy and satisfied, and you're not right now. So I'll support your weight loss efforts". I guess what I don't like is the insinuation from MIM that if one is overweight that one lacks in self-respect.

I know I have problems with my weight. But the only place my self-esteem is low is when it comes to body issues. And that's only sometimes. In other areas of my life, I have very good self-esteem. I do agree that I'm not treating my body the way I should, and that I need to hold my body up in higher regard and take better care of it. And I'm trying.

I don't know. It's a tough one and I guess the bottom line is: we should all be gentle with ourselves and each other. Everyone has their own battles to wage. But I am glad that there was no "advertising" - false or real- when we got married. We knew each other inside and out, and loved each other for who we were. There are alwyas going to be days we get on each other's nerves, and that the things that we love about each other are the things that make us want to throttle each other, but we knew and know who we are, and love each other for it. And we know that we will change, because people do and how boring would it be if we stayed static? Be we love the person, change and all, and support each other. And that's the real bottom line.


At 5:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nicely written-- there are more follow-ups like this at http://inkstains.wordpress.com

At 6:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you think possibly that if you married thin, and gain wt thru kids and the s--- that comes in life, that your husband loves you for who you are....but wants that body back in someway. Yet he also knows your self esteem was better thinner. Him saying anything could possibly damage the marriage. Hasnt people divorced over such issues? But usually in all reality your husband isnt the same girth or abds he was in his 20s either! Life happens, and you really need to figure out what is the most important thing. Am I happy at 180, no! But yet my husband still loves me and my body, after 3 births, my middle is kinda a part of him too...does that make any sense?? Must run, I am rambling. I do love who you are Paige Allison :)

At 7:30 AM, Anonymous suzanne said...

Nicely said from one chubby CT girl to another...
I write an awful lot about my struggles with weight. An awful lot. I could have learned Mandarin Chinese in all the wasted time I have spent worrying about my weight.

At 8:56 AM, Blogger Kate B said...

You've got it together Paige, as does your husband. It's not about body size or shape, it's about who you are and are you happy with yourself. It's also about health and wanting your loved one to be physically healthy so that you'll be blessed with their presence a good long time.


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