We Need a New Pill

One day, I was talking to my mom about how moody I can be. She told me that I'm one of the most stable people she knows, and that I'm not at all moody. I love her, but sometimes it's like she doesn't know me at all.

Granted, she hasn't really lived with me since I was in high school. And after that was really when the moodiness started. I went away to college and spent two of the worst years of my life. When I left that college and moved across the country, people told me I was running away. I knew I was saving my life. And for a while, the move helped. And really, things have never gotten quite as bad as they were when I was in my first two years of college.

But I've always been moody. I go through periods of time when my mood is easier to maintain, the smile and the happiness is quicker and more genuine.

But I go through periods of time where every second is a constant battle. Where, in public, everything is "fine!" and "great!" and "no, nothing's really new". But inside I'm sobbing, and the majority of the real problem is that I have no idea why. I just am. This is why my mom thinks I'm so stable. I really very rarely open that part of myself up to anyone. My sister to some extent, because outside of my husband I'd have to say she's who I'm most honest with.

And my husband. Poor guy. When I get like this, it's a concentrated effort to not snap at him, to not cry, to be alright. He knows. Because I make an effort to be nice, but it doesn't always work. And he knows something's off. And he knows that I'm not really sure what it is. So the best he can do is be really patient with me.

The gray periods always scare me. Because college was so bad, I don't feel like I can ever go back there. And everytime I get down for more than a day or two, I start getting really scared that I'm going to go back there and have to fight the uphill battle back.

Here's the strange thing, that I can't figure out. This week has been incredibly difficult, mood-wise. I've been crying at everything and snapping at everything. Typically my first clue about my mood is when I'm lashing out at strangers and thinking horribly mean things about people. Because my natural disposition is to be compassionate and fair first, at least I think. When that goes away, I know something's really up. I've been down, blue, sad, angry, and teary. Not a great week. But I'm PMS-ing. And I cannot figure out if these moods are just when I'm PMSing. I really don't know.

So when I go to my Ob-Gyn next month, I want to ask her. Is there a pill for people who wig out the week they're PMSing, but overall are ok the rest of the time?? I still haven't figured out if this is the only time I'm down, but if it is, a week a month is a long time to lose.

The thing that is really hard is that when I look back on this week, I'm like, "this week sucked". But really? It didn't. I had some great breakthroughs with some of my clients. I had two "surprise" (last minute) visits with friends that were so fun. Khalil's been great. Not really much has gone wrong. I've eaten well and exercised. The worst thing that happened (actually there are two) was that I locked my keys in the house but ended up not being a big deal at all and I dreamt about my friend who's still not talking to me. But I'm getting used to that. The good outweighs the bad, externally, but internally the bad outweighs the good.

To come, one day: a happy post. really.