Less of Paige

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Changes. Again.

Today after I ate dinner, I said to my husband, "My stomach feels weird."
He said, "It's called hunger".

Usually after dinner, my stomach does feel weird. Usually it's called "overeating".

While it actually wasn't hunger, my stomach did feel weird. My whole body has taken some getting used to this whole new eating habits thing. Even though I've done this before and I know how it works, I know the drill, that doesn't make it easier... it just means I know what to expect. I know that I'll have a headache the first few days. I know that I'll have an iron will for a little while, because I'm scared that one slip-up will be the end for me. I know that overall, while I may have a headache and feel weird, I will be feeling better. I will have more energy and be less sluggish. I also know that in a few weeks, 2 oz of meat won't feel so small. Also, I know that in a few weeks, if I try to eat more than that, I will feel sick to my stomach. What actually are approprite portions will begin to feel like appropriate portions to my stomach as well.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not starving. I'm actually pretty comfortable. But when you're so used to overeating, normal eating feels, well weird.

On other eating fronts. The other night, I thought, "Then I'll go to bed. So I don't eat anything else". That is so sad. I feel almost lucky that I have been working such long hours. I haven't had the ability to snack- as long as I stay away from fast food and coffee joints. It makes everything easier. While I am looking forward to the weekend for the weekend sake, I am dreading it in a way too. It's two full days where I'll likely have to cook for myself (not dinner) and I will be home most of the time. It will be an exercise in willpower and distraction. I want very much to do well. It amazes me sometimes how much time I spend in one day eating. No wonder food sometimes felt like my best friend. I spent all day with food. It was in my mouth when I was hungry, which I didn't give myself the opportunity to be often, and when I was bored, or upset, or happy, or wanting to connect with someone, or feeling lonely, or when someone else was eating, when Khalil was home, when he wasn't, while driving.... ugh.

I have better things to do with my time. Like blog. Of course.


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