Less of Paige

Monday, September 12, 2005

We're all women, though, no??

First of all, let me say: so many thoughts, so little... time.

So I had my last post. Then this amazing community I'm part of- Hello Ladies! found my blog. (well, ok, I told them about it. "Whatever" to shameless self-promotion.) And then a small discussion ensued that got me to thinking. My wonderful Ladies were full of comments about me putting my thoughts about weight, self-esteem, and the hardships of weight loss and how brave I might be. They were not the only ones. A few of my friends, the ones I have chosen to be honest to about my journey, have made similar comments. "Thank you for sharing".

Huh. Last time I checked, we are all women. Now, to the men reading (Hi, Honey!) don't take offense. I just mean to say, that I always thought women talked. And I have been realizing, slowly but surely, that sometimes we don't. Men make fun of us for talking, but in reality it's a strength of ours. It is how we connect to each other and feel less alone and more a part of a community- that we are in this together. We do this by talking.

Turns out, there are some topics we put off as taboo. And weight is one of them, at times. Until we dare to bring it out in the open. I have to clarify for a sec. For a long, long time, I have been overweight. And for a long time, at first, I said nothing. Except in high school, the common teenage wail of, "I'm so fat" always answered obligatorily (is THAT a word??) by my friends with denials and comments of how they were so much fatter. Then I stopped talking about it. Most of my friends are skinny. For whatever reason. I didn't want to talk about it with them, they just wouldn't get it. I would get so annoyed when they'd talk about their issues, generally stated in the same high school way of, "I'm so fat"... but I stayed quiet. I knew that I actually was. Then I started making a joke of it. Ha ha ha, isn't it funny none of my clothes fit? Ha ha, isn't it funny that I don't wear shorts? Ha ha, Isn't it funny that I'm too fat to keep up?? Ha ha, this brownie's going to make me even fatter!!

A note to all of us: when people make fun of themselves, they're covering hurt. It's a defense mechanism.

Then, and this brings me to today: I started being honest. I started telling people: My husband, my friend, the Internet, how hard this is. How frustrating it is to feel this way. How hard it is to change my behavior. How hard it is to look back on progress that I worked my ass off to get, and that has all gone to hell.

Turns out? Other people have it hard too. I'm not the only one. Other people feel fat. They feel inadequate. They feel they could be doing more. and it's hard for them too. To me, this is so completely eye-opening. I thought other people were just saying that, cuz if you ask me, everyone's skinnier than me. So it must also be hardest for me. Everyone else has it easier. But I'm all growed up now, and I know. That when you don't feel good about yourself, whether it's 80 pounds, more or less, or you hate your hair, or your career, or your marriage failed, or any combination of those and 100 other things, it's hard. For all of us.

We need to talk about it more. Be more honest about our journeys. Because if there's one thing I think we as women have learned, it's that when we share our journey with each other it only makes it that much easier. To use a trite phrase: a burden shared is a burden halved. Or something like that. I hope I can be brave enough to continue being honest.

This deserves it's own post. but I have more to say.


Post a Comment

<< Home