Less of Paige

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

A new day, more angst

Well. After tears and frustration, turns out my mom is stressed. If I ever want to know something about myself, usually I just have to look at my mom. Now that I'm older and know myself better, I can usually look at the weird ways I behave and translate them to her. Thanks, mom. So, the point of all this is to say, that when I am planning something I get overly anxious about details. Which is what happened with my mom. I'm not excusing, but trying desperately to understand. Because what happened yesterday? Wasn't my mom.

Also? I put my second winter jacket on today. I have a pink and a blue. Last week I wore the pink. I LOVED my pink jacket. It was long, and cute. I put it on and zipped, it felt, um, a little tight. But I tried to ignore the fact that I couldn't bend over. So then? On the way home, the zipper popped. Yes. I popped the zipper on my jacket. So this morning I decided to wear the older, blue, puffier jacket. Yeah. My arm wouldn't go in. It wasn't comfy. it doesn't fit. Not only have I grown out of all my old clothes, but also my winter jackets. So if you see me walking around in a fall/spring like fleece, that is why. Because I flat out refuse to buy new jackets. k

Every day (well, maybe not EVERY day) I learn something new about myself. I like the fact that I'm open to this, I learn good and bad things. Sometimes, honestly, I relearn things I forgot. Like today and last week. I learned that I am not so good with change *ahem*. And today something that is very important to me shifted. If imperceptable initially, it did shift. And I didn't like it. I like things that I like to Stay The Same. That makes me happy. People who hate routine? I don't get them. I like predictability and routine. It makes me happy. I feel safe that way. When it gets messed with, to use a crude phrase, I get my panties all in a bunch. Sometimes even when the change is GOOD. Like when I'm moving to a bigger apartment! Or I'm moving to a new job! Have I told you? I'm moving to a new job - I start in SIX days. I have two days left of this job. Then three days off, then my New Job!!!

That's alot for me. Changes everywhere, Christmas, being fat... I'm working very hard every day to maintain some sort of emotional stability. Some days (hours, minutes) it works better than others.

'Tis the season.

someone make it go away??? Please?


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