Less of Paige

Monday, June 12, 2006

Food Rehab?

Today I was thinking. I have more than once likened my food journey to an alcoholic's.

Today I had a moment. I was at a client's house and she asked if I'd like some leftover birthday cake. I responded, "No, thank you." Are you sure? "Yes, I'm sure. Thank you anyway."

This followed offers today of, "I'll treat you for lunch", "Come upstairs and get food!", "I'm bringing the brownies down", "Half a brownie won't kill you", "Have a little macaroni and cheese, that would be ok".

I said no no less than six times today. By the end of the day, it was getting harder.

At the last time, at my client's house, (she was contemplating the cake but decided on a cheese stick for now), I thought to myself how great it would be to be able to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Much like I imagine an alcoholic would like to be able to drink whenever they wanted, without losing control.

I wish sometimes that I could go to food rehab. If only so that for a little while I could be around people who only have to make choices about food, daily, or they will get fat. I won't have to be around people who can eat whatever they want. People who are teeny tiny but complain. I feel like that would be so nice. So comforting. So much easier. It's easier to do what everyone around you is doing.

But I was at my client's. And I had the moment of wishing. And then it passed. And I thought, "well, I can't. Or I'll get fat." And in my head I moved on. And then I thought how great it was that I could do that.

Is this what they call acceptance? Is that one of the part of AA? Accepting who you are? I have to make choices about food. I have to plan my day out. I have to stay away from certain foods because they are the gateway into overeating for me. This is the reality, it is who I am. I think I may be starting to accept this about me.


At 9:13 AM, Blogger Lisa said...


The people who can eat whatever they want and not get fat are few and far between. Nearly everyone has to work at it.

I spent a year of college at a school that was filled with gorgeous, skinny people. I was reasonably thin then but running every day to stay that way. I was appalled when I found out that many of the skinny girls ate mostly toilet paper and then drank water so that it would fill their tummies and they wouldn't be hungry but could then later eat whatever they wanted. That's insane.

It's hard, Paige, but you are doing all of this the right way. Just remember that every woman struggles with almost your exact same feelings. "If I eat that, I'll get fat" is part of the standard interior monologue.

I don't know if you talk about weight issues with your friends, but I'll bet that if you pry a little, you'll find out that they feel the same way you do. (Of course, it helps if it's not your skinniest friend...)


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