Less of Paige

Friday, September 01, 2006

The Irony of it All

Since I lost 22 pounds, met my first goal, and won the Biggest Loser competition at work, I decided I deserved a meal "off".

I had other rewards. I am planning a new exercise outfit, and bought some new Firm videos. I'll be getting a new outfit from my sister (I also won that challenge). So there's lots of positive reinforcement, icing on the cake of lowered insulin.

But I wanted a chance to, er, cut loose. Eat one of the foods I have stayed away from studiously for three months. I was telling a friend at work about this, and she said, "You haven't cheated once?!!?" I have. One night we had fast food, then I had some wings at my friends, and when I was visiting my mom I was horrible. Oh, and I didn't do great on our anniversary weekend and I did go to Olive Garden and splurge. But in all reality, that's not bad for three months.

I thought and thought about what I wanted my meal to be. Did I want to go to Pizzeria Uno and get one of my favorites: app of shrimp and crab fondue, split a pizza, and the peanut butter dessert? Did I want to go to Olive Garden? How about a good steakhouse? Maybe I want to go to our favorite seafood place and get Lazy Man's lobster. Maybe just a yummy fast food meal? The choices! They seemed endless!

Then I thought of the perfect reward meal. My two favorite foods: pizza and brownies. We'd order in a pizza and I'd make brownies. I was very excited about this and told my husband. I went and bought the brownie batter. I was ready.

Made the brownies. When the batter was ready, I had a spoonful. Then another. Then I felt sick. Never mind, I'll just bake the brownies THEN I'll eat the whole pan. That will be good. The brownies smelled so good while they were baking. I however did not want to eat anymore.I was feeling kind of full from the batter.

So I had a small piece when they came out. Then I hung out and watched a movie. A few hours later, I decided I was ready for pizza. Should I order cheezy garlic bread? Of course! I did. The pizza arrived, and I was ready to Dig. In. I had two small slices of bread. Then I had one slice of pizza. It was delicious. Greasy, and cheesy, and just right. Then I had another, choosing a smaller slice. After that I started feeling a little nauseous. What was wrong with me?? What's going on? I can eat at least four pieces of pizza, and since this is the only time I'll get to eat it for another three months I need to Dig In! Eat half the pizza! I reached for the smallest slice left. And ate it. And realized there was no way I was eating any more.

I told my husband I would stay up a little while longer so I could eat the rest of the brownies and make the brownie sundae I was planning.

My stomach is tellinhg me otherwise. The thought of another brownie makes me nauseous. I just can't do it.

On the one hand? I'm thrilled. Seriously- it's like built in self-control. Even when I'm pushing myself to eat more, I just can't. I have no desire for it. I am thinking, "Grilled chicken with some rice and veggies would have been awesome tonight." what is wrong with me???

what's wrong with me is I have given my body the privledge of healthy eating for three months. It likes it. My body likes the way it works and feels when I eat healthy. I like it too.

The irony? When I want to eat crap, I can't. If you don't get it, this blog is not for you.


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