Less of Paige

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Inside, Outside, Upside Down

So it's been a few days. So what?

It's been hard to write lately. Cuz I have been spending all my energy on hating myself and my body. That kind of disgust requires alot of energy, let me tell you. It's emotionally draining to think negative thoughts every time you see yourself- in a mirror, in a window, in a picture, in your own mind's eye.

It's not that I hate myself, persay. I don't, not the inside of me. It's the outside that I'm pissed off at. But also a little bit the inside, because is it the outside's fault how it looks? No, it's the insides fault with it's total lack of self control and emotional comfort taking from food. So I'm mostly hating the outside and am angry at the inside. Go ME.

That plan (It's from August 27th. I don't know how to link to specific blog entries. Sorry, I'm still learning.) I wrote about? Yeah... that's just... funny. No water. Very few fruits or veggies. The exercise thing has been going decent. I could be doing better, but I feel like I'm doing the best I can with what I've got. I'm pushing myself, believe it or not. But that 1.5 pounds I lost? Yeah, I gained it back. It MIGHT have something to do with the Burger King meal complete with milkshake, chicken fingers and fries from a diner, and large comes with appetizer, pasta, break and dessert meal from Olive Garden in the two days before I weighed myself. It COULD have had something to do with all that. I prefer to think that the scale is off? However, my clothes don't lie. (My drier keeps shrinking them? Every week? To match my weight loss?) But, even if those two were true, pictures don't lie. (Don't they say the camera adds 10 pounds? Maybe my camera adds 80??? Or, as Chandler said to Monica when he saw fat Monica, "How many cameras were ON you?!?!")

Sigh. Denial is strong. But I am waking up the reality and it ain't pretty people. It just ain't pretty.


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