Less of Paige

Friday, February 17, 2006

"I'm trying, but it's hard"

My husband asked me last night, while I was in a snit over nothing, if I was ever going to be done being crabby. I responded, "I'm trying, but it's hard."

I feel like that's my life anthem right now.

I'm trying to lose weight, but it's hard. Turns out? Fondue + lobster + stuffing + apple puff pastry + numerous chocolates at work and at home? Make you gain five and a half pounds. That's right folks. I went from 207 to 212.5 this week. Not that it wasn't worth it, and not that I easily couldn't have balanced the splurges with some better choices, I could have. But I didn't.

I'm trying to be brave when I'm scared, but it's hard. Some things are going on that are big questions in my family right now. I'm acting like nothing bothers me, la la la, but inside I'm scared shitless.

I'm trying not to be devastated, but it's hard. I'm feeling more and more like I'm losing my friend. Like, even if she does come back and want to talk to me, I'm so angry right now I'm not sure I'll want or be able to talk to her. Like, I'm not even sure she's going to decide she wants to be my friend anymore. And I still have no everloving clue what the hell I did to make her so upset. Which is scary, cuz if I don't know then I can repeat it. And this can happen again. Which will not happen, because before I'll let the friendship resume, I'm going to find out what the fuck is going on. Went on. Whatever.

I'm trying not to be lonely, but I am. I am missing my friend. Another friend at work is leaving. Most of the people I know at work are leaving. I don't have that many friends in this state to begin with, I can't have everybody up and leave me. My weekends are empty, and that makes me sad and lonely.

And so, I'm trying not to be crabby, but it's hard. I'm MSing, crampy, and tired. I'm up in weight. My eating is out of control- tied entirely, right now, to my emotions, which are all negative. I'm scared and upset about alot. There are alot of changes at work. I'm lonely. I'm pushing my husband away when I need him most with my crabbiness. I get upset with myself about being crabby which makes me more crabby. I'm sorry for you if you cross paths with me.

I'm trying not to cry, but it's hard.


At 3:28 PM, Blogger Annie said...



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