Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall

So yesterday I wrote this whole post. It was called Supersize Me and talked all about how I'm fat because my portion sizes are too big-oh wait, it's cuz I Don't Have Portion Sizes. That's right. But then I hit publish post and then it disapeared and I didn't have the energy to rewrite it.

But we're working on that. Yesterday was the first day of my Diabetic Exchange Diet. The worst time of day was after I got home from the gym (more on that in a minute) and before Khalil had started cooking. I was starving. And when I saw how much 1.5 cups of pasta are, I almost cried. But I ate it slowly, and did ok. And then I still had a milk... anyways, before I bore you with the details, by the end of the day I wasn't unhappy with it. I wasn't starving, and I was happy with what I had eaten throughout the day. On to day two today, and we'll see how it goes.

On to the concept of denial. I did a class yesterday- kickboxing, go me!! (for the record, OMG. It kicked my ass, that's for sure...) But I noticed something. In the dark in bed, when I'm getting dressed, in the shower, when I'm at work- I convince myself I'm not that bad. Not that bad. I tell myself that I'm not THAT fat. That I had to buy size 18 and 20 pants- well, they look bigger than they actually are. Then I took that class. And I looked at myself in the mirror, and had the thought "that's not really ME, is it?? That's the fat girl in the class- someone else." No. It was really me. And I realized that I have been in serious denial about how bad I look. How far this has gone. Last time I lost weight, I lost 35 pounds. What prompted me to finally get to Weight Watchers was the fact that my fat pants were painful to wear. So painful that before I went to an evening class, I stopped at Old Navy and bought myself a pair of sweats. That has ceased to motivate me this time around. I have always felt like denial is the strongest of--- something-- emotions, forces, whatever. In some ways it protects people. People sometimes need denial- that's why it's really a defense mechanism- it protects people's psyches from things they just can't manage. But in other times it's still a defense mechanism, but it's more detrimental than helpful. In the definitions in the site linked above, they talk alot about substance abuse and how people's denial that there is a problem keeps them from recovery. That's how I feel about me. My denial of my problem- it's not that bad, I'm not that fat... keeps me from doing what I need to do to make changes.

But I think the denial is on the way out the door. The mirror yesterday was all too stark reality. It is what it is - I'm seriously overweight, it's affecting my health, and my self-esteem, and it needs to be dealt with.