The Big Question

Do I love food more? Or my body and health?

I know what I SHOULD love more.

But the jury is still out on the honest answer. I know where I'm leaning... actions speak louder than words, yes?

Sometimes God Talks Through The Radio

Khalil and I (but in all honesty, mostly me) are doing the medical stuff necessary to get ready to have babies. We're not trying now, and we're not pregnant, so don't go there, because that isn't what this is about.

This is a very scary event for me. Our family has some issues, for lack of a better word, that may or may not have some affect on my pregnancies/ children.

The one that is causing me the most... fear, I guess... anxiety? is the birth and death of my niece. She is the middle child of my sister. Her name is Hannah Grace, Baby Hannah to Caleb and Ellie. There's so much I could write about her, but tonight is not the night.

Hannah died of anencephaly- she was born without a brain or skull, only a brain stem. She lived for one precious week.

Hannah's birth and death was the first time I started questioning my relationship with God. I don't think this is a bad thing (the questioning, that is). I think that God can handle questioning and anger- if He couldn't, He wouldn't be worth it. He wouldn't be God.

I didn't understand why He did it. I didn't get why He let her be conceived if he was just going to take her anyway. Why break my sister's heart, and her husband's heart, and crack all of ours? Why? I was pissed. I felt like God was an asshole (He knows I mean no disrespect. Him and I have talked this out). I wondered how I could trust someone, let my life be in the control of someone, who did horrible things, or let them happen.

This was a few years ago, about five and a half. And in all honesty, it's not all resolved. Which brings me to tonight. I have been having a very hard time with this whole "preconception" crap. Tonight, at yoga of all places, I figured out what was going on with me.

I'm scared. And the root of the fear comes in difficulty trusting God. He let my sister have a baby who died- what's stopping Him from letting the same thing happen to me? Huh? Does he really care, about me? About us? Our family?

Tonight I told God this. I told him that I'm still scared to trust Him with this. That I don't like putting this in his hands because I'm not sure what he'll do with it, with our future, with our children. Will he take them away too? I told Him that I want to trust Him, but I need to know how. That I don't understand. That I need help. Please help me. Because if You, God, can't help me, I don't know how I'll get through this.

That's when he talked to me through the radio. Call me naive, call it a weird coincidence, tell me I'm believing something because I want or need to. But I know it's true. I know, in my heart of hearts, that God talked to me through the radio. This song came on:

I'll Stand By You
The Pretenders

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now.
Don't be ashamed to cry,
let me see you through
Cause I've seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you,
you don't know what to do,
Nothing you confess
could make me love you less
I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
So, if you're mad get mad,
don't hold it all inside ,
Come on and talk to me now.
And hey, what you got to hide ?
I get angry too
But I'm alot like you.
When you're standing at the crossroads ,
don't know which path to choose ,
Let me come along ,
cause even if your wrong
I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
Take me into your darkest hour ,
and I'll never desert you.
I'll stand by you.
And when, when the night falls on you baby ,
you're feeling all alone ,
You won't be on your own,
I'll stand by you.
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you,
won't let nobody hurt you.
I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour
and I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you.
*************************************

I just cried and cried. By the end of the song I could kind of sing with them. But I knew exactly what God was telling me. If you're not sure, go back and read the lyrics again.

I had a new prayer next. It was, "fine, you got my attention. FINE. I'll believe you. I have to. You're right, God, I don't have to get it. I don't have to understand what you were doing with Hannah, or any of the other things. I just have to know and trust that you and your purposes? Are bigger than me. And that you've got it under control. And I have to let you have the control, and rest in you and rest in trusting you. And trust you in an less naive way than I used to- I used to trust that good things would come. Now I have to trust that no matter what happens, you'll stand by me." And that that's really all I'll need.

I told Him, too, that I might try and take it back. You know, the not trusting. But that I'm going to work really hard to leave it with him- the future. And our babies. And pregnancies. And trust that it's ok that He's in control. Because He does love me, He doesn't want to let anyone hurt me, not in that way, and He will stand by me.

Lifetime

When you do Weight Watchers, they have something called a lifetime member. To be a lifetime member, you have to reach your goal, maintain it for six weeks, and voila! Lifetime member. It means you have to weigh in only once a month and have to stay within like a pound or two or something of your goal weight.

Why am I talking about WW when I don't do WW anymore, you wonder? Because of the point and what it means to me. I was thinking about how not so great I've done in the past week, foodwise. In the past, this would have quickly derailed ALL weight loss efforts. I would say, "eh. I messed up. I think I'll just take a 'break' from dieting that will last six months and cost me another 20-60 pounds".

This time it's different. I'm already a lifetime member. I haven't figured out all the details yet (read: holidays, eating out, and weekends), but I'm working on it. I really, really am. I know that in order to avoid some icky health problems, I have to change my outlook on food.

Forever. For a lifetime. Which kind of puts the screwups in perspective. As long as I maintain my lifetime membership, as long as I keep picking myself up, I think that I'll do ok. I might not lose weight as fast as I'd like. I might now be perfect. I might not do it right all the time. But as long as I keep going, I think I'll be ok. At some point (some point) I'll get to where I want to be. And do my best to stay there. But if I have the room to make mistakes, it's easier to conceive of doing this for a lifetime.

It's like in AA. They say, you're an alcoholic forever. Well, I'm a food addict. And so I need to claim that, and live the rest of my life accordingly. (Not in being a food addict, but living like I'm a recovering food addict.)

Lifetime. It's a long time. But for me? It's so important. There's no breaks. I have to accept who I am, and move on.

Scales and Choices

The vet scale said I'm down .6 pounds this week. That's POINT six, folks, not six. But it's ok. Because this past week I made alot of choices that were emotionally based. The last few weeks at work have been intensely stressful for me (not uncommon in my field, but there are times when this is alot more than others), and I ate out my stress a couple of times. Thursday it all came down and I went to Dairy Queen for a blizzard, came home and had cookies, then my husband made me a mudslide. (He's not actually an enabler. I needed the break.) At some point I'll be ready to explore how to do things differently next time I have a bad day like that. But on Thursday, I literally didn't have room in my head to make good decisions about food.

I have made some other good choices, though. I've exercised every day this week, even though there have been a couple of days where it's been a struggle and Khalil has been draaaaagging me out of bed in the morning.

I know I still have my ups and downs. I still struggle and make mistakes. But I'm not bailing, and I'm not killing myself. I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off, and moving on. If this is a change for life, it has to be fluid. I can't quit or stop because I have a few days where it's not working for me or I'm not working it. I have to keep going. And I can and will.

Go me.

The Measuring Tape, my new best friend

I measured today. I lost another 3.5 inches. This is very, very cool. I measure alot- arms, thighs, hops, tummy (in two places) and bust. But whatever, the inches are still GONE!!!

I hopped on the vet scale on Saturday- down 1.3. Last week I was 207.9, this week was 206.6. Not too bad though!!! That's NOT what my wonky home scale told me- it said I had gone from 209.5 last week to 205. Ah well.

I'm still exercising. And liking it. The weird thing? I have now started to feel slugging and icky if I don't exercise. Hmmm....

As for food. M-F overall I do GREAT. A couple of slip-ups here and there, but nothing huge. Saturday and Sunday? I suck. I suck, I suck, I suck.

Remember how I watch starting over, that show? Well, I was catching up this weekend (please be quiet) and one of the life coaches was talking to a girl who is also trying to lose weight (see why I watch?). And the girl was like, I had a couple of cheat days. And her life coach said, "children cheat. Adults honor commitments." She emphasized- even the ones we make to ourselves.

That hit hard. When I make a mess of the weekend, who am I hurting? Not Khalil, not my sister, just me. Just me and my efforts. I need to make a weekend commitment and honor it.

Sorry for the boring update. But that's where we are.

Movin' on Down

When I started using my new videos, the Transfirmer system, I measured myself. A week later, I did it again.

Down three inches. Now, to be fair, I measured like every part of my body. Not only just my bust, waist, hips, thighs, and arms, but also my thumbs, eyelids, and pinky toes. Hey, every inch counts, right?!!?! Just kidding, about those last three anyway.

Even though the scale is not giving me what I want (I wish I could break it off with the scale, but I just. don't. know. how.), I knew that something in my body was changing. My face is looking thinner (always the first place I lose weight, but my cheeks not my chins, unfortunately). My pants are getting loose- most of them I can get down without unbuttoning. A month ago they were all tight. So I knew there were changes. And the measuring tape confirmed that for me. And it feels oh. so. good.

I have found that the more I exercise (this is going to SHOCK you, it still shocks me) the more ok with it I am. The better I feel. The worse I feel if I don't exercise. I'm getting to the point where if I don't get up and work out, I feel weird. Like, I didn't start my day off right. It's a good, weird, good feeling.

Unfortunately for me, it doesn't exactly work that way with food. I still want crappy food. Like, all the time. I love food, particularly if it's not good for me. However, on the positive, I'm finding that I can eat less of it. When I eat greasy food or fast food, I literally feel sick to my stomach (not while I'm eating, don't be silly. But after). So, while the addiction isn't quite gone, and the cravings remain, I still am making progress.

And it feels oooooooh soo gooooooooood.