Addiction

I have an addiction. Not to food (well yes to food but that's not what I'm talking about NOW). It's to the scale. I said a few weeks ago I was going to not weigh myself. Hahahaha.

Last week I weighed 207.
This week I weigh 209.

I'm not that upset. For a myriad of reasons. Here they are. First of all, I know my scale is broken. It weighed two three pound dumbells as eight pounds. So I have no idea how it's calculating how much I weigh. If it can't get six pounds right, I'm concerned about it's ability to get all of me right. SO, tomorrow I'm using a professional scale.

Second of all, this week I've done awesome exercising. I've done the Firm three times, did Yoga Booty Ballet once, did my Yoga for Weight loss class. I didn't walk last night, but that due to circumstances out of my control. And? Instead of feeling relieved? I was disappointed. So. Weird. I have a power yoga class planned for tomorrow. Go. Me.

Third of all, I have had some ups and downs eating. I had my "bad" meal on Saturday last week, then I had DQ on Sunday, then this week's "bad" meal on Monday- and that one? was a DOOZY. It was buffalo chicken strips at Friendlys, with fries and a peanut butter cup sundae. I went all out. BUT, but, my friends, I recovered. I didn't let the bad start to my week to keep me in that place. The rest of the week I did really well eating. I plan to keep it up.

Fourth of all, my pants are fitting better. My bras are fitting better. So even though the scale hates me, I know my body is changing. It might be incremental changes, but it means alot to me. It means I know I'm going in the right direction and making good choices.

And so I march on, and finally keep a positive attitude. I'm excited. Despite the scales's evil whisperings.

No Pain, No Gain

I heard that somewhere stupid the other day- probably MTV. But it's sosososo true. I can't make progress if I don't want to do the work for the progress. Weight loss is not a passive activity. It involves a thousand choices a day. To exercise, or not? To park far away, or not? Choose a healthy place to eat, or Friendly's? Eat the veggies, or not? Drink the water, or not? And on, and on, and on.

I've made some good and some bad lately. Sunday night a friend brought us Dairy Queen for dinner. I LOVE DQ. I had my whole blizzard. It was, um, alot of calories.
Monday night a client wanted to eat a Friendly's. I decided that was my "bad" meal of the week and boy did I go all out. I had buffalo chicken strips, fries, and a peanut butter cup sundae. I didn't finish it, but that's little consolation. I did not feel good Monday night.

But there's some good. For two full days I have drank 9 glasses of water each day. That's HUGE for me. HUGE. I don't really like water (i know, but still), and it makes me pee, but I'm figuring this stuff out. Also, I've now exercised three days in a row. No, make that four, I walked on Sunday. Did the Firm Monday and this morning, and yoga booty ballet yesterday. It feels goooooood to take care of me. Go me.

I'm fully planning to keep up the good work. Because? No Pain, No Gain.

It only took 6 weeks

But I'm back to 207. Thank the Good Lord Almighty.

Weird. I haven't really lost ANY weight in six weeks. And in one week I lose 4 pounds.

But I'm excited and am just praying that the scale keeps going in the correct direction- that is, DOWN.

My legs hurt!

I have two things to tell you about: Yoga for Weight Loss and The Firm.

On Wednesday night I took a yoga for weight loss class. I was hoping it would be closer to Power Yoga than it actually was, but that's ok. We all had our mats in a circle, which was different for me. Natalie, the instructor, started off the class by talking about her own stuff regarding weight and food and then asked us to go in a circle, introduce ourselves, and talk about "what's on top" (whatever's going on with you right then). So everyone introduced themselves and some gave a brief history on their weight issues (why is it that there's always a history with this stuff? So sad.) and some just said why they were taking the class etc. I'm pretty sure I said, "Hi I'm Paige and I hate any kind of exercise besided yoga. I thought this class would be perfect.".

And it was. Not because it was some great cardio workout, or because I really felt challenged physically. I didn't. It was basic and I've learned that I'm actually beyond basic in yoga. It was perfect because I felt like I was in a group of women who understood. Where I didn't have to compare myself, I didn't have to try. I was in a community of women dealing with the same stuff I deal with. And there were some insights that I learned, and that was great too.

Natalie made the comment at some point that what we complain most about is what we are actually attached to and have some kind of blockage in releasing. And that it's important to release those things. I 100% agree. I think that for the things that are most difficult or that we whine about, there is something there for us. Something that keeps that cross in our lives. I know that I whine and moan and complain about my weight. But it's always there. And there are some pieces of me that wonder what I will be like if I lose weight. Will people not bother getting to know me anymore, because they don't have to like they do now? Will my husband still be attracted to me- I don't doubt he'll still love me, but will he still want me? What will I look like? Maybe I'd be ugly under all this fat. Those are the real honest truths, and probably the core of why it's difficult to lose weight. I think I've finally hit my stride, but the weight is not just falling off right now. And every other time, in the past, I've given up. Additionally, I'm in denial. I don't want to accept that this is going to be with me for the rest of my life. I have an addiction to, a problem with food. And I don't have the kind of body that can handle that. I eat, I gain. Bottom line. I don't have the high metabolism of the people that can eat whatever they want whenever they want and not gain weight. I have to, at some point, accept that I will have to watch what I eat for the rest of my life if I don't want to be fat forever, and keep getting fatter. It's certainly thoughts to chew on. No pun intended.
****************************************************
I did the Firm this morning- Maximum Cardio Burn plus Abs. Someone I'm really close with who also struggles with weight told me that this was the only video she ever did that made her see body-changing results (the Firm, not necessarily this specific one). So I thought I'd try it.

If I don't see results from that workout, I'm hopelessly doomed. It was great. It was like when I used to take step classes, which I also loved. (that and yoga.) It was hard and I was dripping sweat. But there was not alot of talking (unlike Miss Carmen) and there was alot of working out. Someone warned me that the videos are a bit stepford-wivesish, and they are. The girls have these strange smiles pasted on their faces, which I didn't understand because, Hello? We're working out here?!?! Maybe I was the only one that was dripping sweat and didn't feel like working out. But it really felt great. At some point I have to return the video to Netflix, but I think I'm giong to go to Target or Walmart and find some new videos. And I'll have to invest in a more stable stepstool. The one I have kept falling over. Oh! Speaking of the stepstool- it's a small one, and the cat thinks that it's her own fort. She's always under it. Well, while I was working out was no exception. I had to step on the thing and watch out for her when I stepped off, because she's almost a year old and doesn't fit completely under it, even though she thinks she does. She just loves helping me work out.

Weighty Issues in Blogland

I read Melissa regularly. She's funny and honest. And real. Today I read this post about weight. I started it at work (shh) but had to finish it at work. Here's where things get a teeny confusing. Because Melissa was writing about another post, this one. Go read both those posts. Then we'll talk.

Are you back?

The whole thing bothers me. Of course it does, because I am fat. Or, if you want to not make people so uncomfortable, I'm overweight. I weigh, at last visit to the scale, 211. I've never been skinny, but I certainly am at my highest ever. I guess I'm lucky, though. Both Melissa and morphing into Mama (MIM) were skinny when they got married. And they both talk about the weight they've gained over the years as a result of getting older, and bearing children, etc. MIM asks in her post whether or not that's false advertising:

“Right. Look, my point is, I work to maintain my figure for myself and my husband. If I had been 160 pounds when we married that would one thing. Then it would be totally unreasonable for him to want me to be 120 pounds. But it would be false advertising if he’d married his 120 pound girlfriend and ended up with a 160 pound wife.”

I have to say, for the first time ever in my whole life, I guess I'm happy that I have never been a small girl. Because my husband knew that I struggled with weight when I married him. He does, too. So I guess if there was going to be "false advertising" in our marriag, it would be that he married someone overweight and she lost alot of weight (we'll see) and now he had a skinny wife instead of a plump one.

Melissa writes about her and her husband. And I think there is a trace of that feeling of false advertising for her too, but I like this sentence:

What's especially amusing is if you asked my husband if he'd want me to be the same person I was at 110 pounds I have no doubt he would say no. He loves the person I am now far more.

In the years since we have been married, I have yo-yo-ed along a continuum of fify pounds. And folks? We've only been married less than two years. But I know that my husband talks about who I was when we first met (insecure, somewhat closed-minded, judgemental) and who I've become, and appreciates the growth. Not the girth growth. But he never complains about the girth growth. In fact, when I'm crying about it, he's telling me how much he loves me, that I've always turned him on, that the weight isn't what it's about.

I guess I'm just grateful that while it's a personal issues for me, my weight has never been an issue in our marriage. The only real thing is that he knows that my weight can make me unhappy and depressed- (I don't gain weight, as MIM suggests, because I lack self-respect and am depressed. I get depressed because I gain weight). And my husband wants me to be happy. So he says things like, "I don't care how much you weight. I'm going to love you no matter what. But I want you to be happy and satisfied, and you're not right now. So I'll support your weight loss efforts". I guess what I don't like is the insinuation from MIM that if one is overweight that one lacks in self-respect.

I know I have problems with my weight. But the only place my self-esteem is low is when it comes to body issues. And that's only sometimes. In other areas of my life, I have very good self-esteem. I do agree that I'm not treating my body the way I should, and that I need to hold my body up in higher regard and take better care of it. And I'm trying.

I don't know. It's a tough one and I guess the bottom line is: we should all be gentle with ourselves and each other. Everyone has their own battles to wage. But I am glad that there was no "advertising" - false or real- when we got married. We knew each other inside and out, and loved each other for who we were. There are alwyas going to be days we get on each other's nerves, and that the things that we love about each other are the things that make us want to throttle each other, but we knew and know who we are, and love each other for it. And we know that we will change, because people do and how boring would it be if we stayed static? Be we love the person, change and all, and support each other. And that's the real bottom line.

Nine Days

About eight days ago I caught another cold. And there stopped being much to write about here, because I was sick and not exercising and not much was going on. I ate pretty good, but there was still no major weight loss movement.

Today? Today was going to be different! I Netflix-ed a new workout video and I had big plans to sweat while I stripteased!! (Yes, it was Carmen Electra's Striptease. Please Shut Up.) The beginning of the video had Carmen talking. Alot. While I sat on my couch. Don't get me wrong, please. I love my couch. I'm actually a couch potato (hence the blog, you see). But when I'm going to work out, I'm aware that being a couch potato doesn't exactly get me the sweaty results I want. So finally she's done with the beginning and we're going to Warm Up! Which is good because it's still cold in the apartment and I'm chilly and could really use a warm up. Except, except that this is not really a warm up. Oh no. It's a move your head a tiny bit. It was ten minutes of warm-up instruction and then came, "Up next: Routine One Review" and we did the warm-up faster. Well, they did. I skipped it and moved on the Routine Two. Which I tried, really I did. But it was alot more of Carmen talking, and us not really moving. And when I realized that at twenty three minutes in, I hadn't broken a sweat, I decided my time was better spent.

So I turned it off and started blogging. Later this week I'll tell you about my Yoga for Weight Loss class, which starts Wednesday. Someone asked how it yoga for weight loss different from regular yoga. Hopefully on Wednesday I'll be able to tell you.

We Need a New Pill

One day, I was talking to my mom about how moody I can be. She told me that I'm one of the most stable people she knows, and that I'm not at all moody. I love her, but sometimes it's like she doesn't know me at all.

Granted, she hasn't really lived with me since I was in high school. And after that was really when the moodiness started. I went away to college and spent two of the worst years of my life. When I left that college and moved across the country, people told me I was running away. I knew I was saving my life. And for a while, the move helped. And really, things have never gotten quite as bad as they were when I was in my first two years of college.

But I've always been moody. I go through periods of time when my mood is easier to maintain, the smile and the happiness is quicker and more genuine.

But I go through periods of time where every second is a constant battle. Where, in public, everything is "fine!" and "great!" and "no, nothing's really new". But inside I'm sobbing, and the majority of the real problem is that I have no idea why. I just am. This is why my mom thinks I'm so stable. I really very rarely open that part of myself up to anyone. My sister to some extent, because outside of my husband I'd have to say she's who I'm most honest with.

And my husband. Poor guy. When I get like this, it's a concentrated effort to not snap at him, to not cry, to be alright. He knows. Because I make an effort to be nice, but it doesn't always work. And he knows something's off. And he knows that I'm not really sure what it is. So the best he can do is be really patient with me.

The gray periods always scare me. Because college was so bad, I don't feel like I can ever go back there. And everytime I get down for more than a day or two, I start getting really scared that I'm going to go back there and have to fight the uphill battle back.

Here's the strange thing, that I can't figure out. This week has been incredibly difficult, mood-wise. I've been crying at everything and snapping at everything. Typically my first clue about my mood is when I'm lashing out at strangers and thinking horribly mean things about people. Because my natural disposition is to be compassionate and fair first, at least I think. When that goes away, I know something's really up. I've been down, blue, sad, angry, and teary. Not a great week. But I'm PMS-ing. And I cannot figure out if these moods are just when I'm PMSing. I really don't know.

So when I go to my Ob-Gyn next month, I want to ask her. Is there a pill for people who wig out the week they're PMSing, but overall are ok the rest of the time?? I still haven't figured out if this is the only time I'm down, but if it is, a week a month is a long time to lose.

The thing that is really hard is that when I look back on this week, I'm like, "this week sucked". But really? It didn't. I had some great breakthroughs with some of my clients. I had two "surprise" (last minute) visits with friends that were so fun. Khalil's been great. Not really much has gone wrong. I've eaten well and exercised. The worst thing that happened (actually there are two) was that I locked my keys in the house but ended up not being a big deal at all and I dreamt about my friend who's still not talking to me. But I'm getting used to that. The good outweighs the bad, externally, but internally the bad outweighs the good.

To come, one day: a happy post. really.

Needing a Break

From the stupid scale.

I weighed in this morning. I weighed like 17 different numbers, but the one I'm sticking with is 211, which is one half of a pound above last week's. Which was up a half a pound from the week before that.

The scale is moving in the wrong direction, and I'm doing everything right. I worked out six days last week, five so far this week and my yoga class tomorrow will make six. I am doing really well with the 'xchange. There has been little to no cheating.

And SO, I'm going to take a break from the scale. I'm going to just keep doing what I'm doing for the next four weeks, and then we'll go from there. If things still aren't moving, we'll have to figure something out. I don't know how long you should try something without it working before asking for help. But I still feel like two weeks of diet and exercise- well it's too soon to ask for professional help, anyways.

The frustrating thing, the thing I reallyreallyreally don't ge, is that it's not like I've always been unable to lose weight. I lost weight. I lost 35 pounds. I did a really good job. But last time I tried the results were dismal, and this time isn't looking so hot either.

The difference? Is that I'm not giving up. Not this time.

This week has been difficult for me. I'm not sure why. I've been in a bad mood most of the week. Any good mood comes following a valiant effort. But it'll get better. I know it will.

So, for those of you who wait with baited breath (hahaha) for my weekly weigh-in, you've got quite a wait ahead of you. Hopefully the results will be good. In the meantime, stay tuned for other fascinating stuff.

Big Changes

For me, anyway.

In the past, when I got a less than satisfying weigh in, I would eat my way out of it. Very rarely does a gain motivate me to work harder. Usually it motivates me to give. up.

This time, I worked my butt off. I stuck with the plan. I still worked out, I ate right. I stuck with my plan to only eat one bad meal for the week, and I didn't cheat.

In the past, I can finish any meal, no matter what. Just a week ago I finished a full burrito.

This time, I could only finish 3/4.

In the past, setting the chips out would have been irresistible. I would have had to eat them, after all, I'd tell myself, "This is my bad meal. I may as well enjoy the whole thing."

This time, I put the chips out. And recognized that I wasn't hungry and didn't need them.

In the past, I would have rolled over in bed on Saturday morning, turned the alarm off, and said, "I'll do yoga next week."

This time, I got out of bed and got to yoga. Worked my tukkus off there, too.

In the past, when they said in the yoga class, "You're all advanced enough by now to..." I would have hightailed it out of there and thought to myself, "I'm just a beginner. Better luck picking the right class next time."

This time, I thought, "Let's just see how we do." And I did it, and stuck wtih the class.

Yes, if I'm honest, I reallyreallyreally want the scale to change this week. I want it to go down and I will be upset and disappointed if it doesn't.

But this time, no matter what, I'm going to know that I've tried my hardest.

Stupid Friday Stupid

I'm up .5 this week, to 211.

Am a little bit frustrated, but I'm trying very very hard to just keep in mind, "I'm going to keep up what I'm doing, and next week will be better."

This week I:
Ate well M-Th (and will do good today, too)
Exercised M, W, Th, and F. Will do yoga class tomorrow as well.

Didn't eat well AT ALL over the weekend, didn't exercise. Last week was so-so as far as eating (since I have no food journal from last week, I know it can't have been good.)

So I'm thinking maybe I"m paying for the time before I got back on track 100%. So next week should be better.

It WILL be better. It has to be.

Adjustments

In the interest of full disclosure, thus far in my "weight loss journey", I have been doing things, um, ahm... *coughhalfassedcoughcough*.

I went in to my husband the other day to talk about Yoga Booty Ballet, my favorite exercise video.
Me: "Hon, did this not work last time cuz it just won't work or cuz I wasn't eating well, do you think?"
Hon: "Probably a little of both."
Somehow, this evolved into a very long conversation about this attempt at weight loss. He's right- last time I lost any good weight, it was right before we got married and even though I denied it, that probably was the reason I lost. It was good motivation, to think about having to have my dress taken in.

We were talking about how I'm actually content this time- no major motivation. The scary thing is, he's half right. I have clothes that fit me. I don't have anything huge coming up. There is no one event that I'm losing for, or looking forward to.

But I have to not have one. Because that's dieting, and it's crucial to my health that I change the way I eat, the way I live. I have to make exercise, as much as I hate and detest it, a consistent part of who I am and what I do. I have to constantly make healthy eating choices. I just have to do it. I started to cry when I told him how scared I am that in a few years, if I don't make changes, I'm going to end up needing gastric bypass. He gave me a look that said you're crazy. When I said, hon, people at my height need it at like 280 to 300 pounds. It's not that far. He said, It's a far cry from 220 to 280.
I laid it out for him:
In May/ June of 2004, when we got married, I weighed about 160.
In January of 2005, I weighed 203 or so. Again.
In January of 2006, I weighed 221. In less than two years, I gained sixty pounds. That, my dear, is the difference between 220, what I recently weighed, and 280. It's not so far away if I don't get my life under control.

Never mind the risk of diabetes. And gestational diabetes. And colon cancer. Diabetes and colon cancer have both been in my family. Risk factors? Obesity.

The cold hard facts are scary, and changes must be made. They have to be.

So for now:
Exercise must be more vigorous that Yoga Booty Ballet. So I will do the Billy Blanks Boot Camp or some other very difficult, vigorous exercise at least three times a week, if I want to do YBB or yoga, good, but it must be on top of, not instead of the more demanding exercise. (I'm not putting down YBB. I LOVE YBB, but it's really not a weight loss plan. More of a toning/ limbering program.)
The Diabetic Exchange must be adhered to, daily. If for some reason (I AM human, folks) I mess up at a meal, instead of giving up the day, I will cross off the meal, act as though I had eaten what I should, and move on with the day.
I can have one "bad" or indulgent meal per week. This means, you guys, that Fridays off are OUT. I only have one meal. Not one day. Because? When I take fridays off, Fridays bleed into Saturday morning, and since I've "messed up" Sat Am, I just take Saturday and Sunday off too. And expect to lose weight by only eating well four days out of the week. No dice.

That's the deal. Adjustments are being made, please look for major movement in the scale. This is going to pay off. It will.