Inside, Outside, Upside Down

So it's been a few days. So what?

It's been hard to write lately. Cuz I have been spending all my energy on hating myself and my body. That kind of disgust requires alot of energy, let me tell you. It's emotionally draining to think negative thoughts every time you see yourself- in a mirror, in a window, in a picture, in your own mind's eye.

It's not that I hate myself, persay. I don't, not the inside of me. It's the outside that I'm pissed off at. But also a little bit the inside, because is it the outside's fault how it looks? No, it's the insides fault with it's total lack of self control and emotional comfort taking from food. So I'm mostly hating the outside and am angry at the inside. Go ME.

That plan (It's from August 27th. I don't know how to link to specific blog entries. Sorry, I'm still learning.) I wrote about? Yeah... that's just... funny. No water. Very few fruits or veggies. The exercise thing has been going decent. I could be doing better, but I feel like I'm doing the best I can with what I've got. I'm pushing myself, believe it or not. But that 1.5 pounds I lost? Yeah, I gained it back. It MIGHT have something to do with the Burger King meal complete with milkshake, chicken fingers and fries from a diner, and large comes with appetizer, pasta, break and dessert meal from Olive Garden in the two days before I weighed myself. It COULD have had something to do with all that. I prefer to think that the scale is off? However, my clothes don't lie. (My drier keeps shrinking them? Every week? To match my weight loss?) But, even if those two were true, pictures don't lie. (Don't they say the camera adds 10 pounds? Maybe my camera adds 80??? Or, as Chandler said to Monica when he saw fat Monica, "How many cameras were ON you?!?!")

Sigh. Denial is strong. But I am waking up the reality and it ain't pretty people. It just ain't pretty.

A pool of pasta, my sister, and my nephew

This week has not been the best. My sister went into the hospital. Some nonsense about an abcess, possibly a staph infection, and IV antibiotics. Strong ones. :( Me and my sister are very, very close. We talk to each other every single morning, and often several more times throughout the day. There isn't much that I haven't told my sister, and I believe vice versa. She's my big sister, she's 9 years older than me. She's strong, independent, and funny. And strong. And hearing her struggle to talk earlier in the week, then knowing that she was so sick she needed to be in the hospital, threw me for a loop. I don't know- I think for everyone there are some people in your life that are just symbols of strength. You know- that seem to just always be ok. My sister, in her lifetime, has been to hell and back. And yet she's come through to the other side. She's an example to me. (If she ever finds this and reads this, she's going to laugh her ass off at that thought. Trust me.) It's disconcerting to have her weak. And no, it wasn't necessarily a life-threatening condition, she wasn't in the ICU, on a vent, or really getting assistance with any of her needs. She was just sick. And it scared me and made me realize just how much I love her and how important she is to me. Just so you know.

Then there's the son she has. She also has a daughter. But today is Caleb's day, her son. My nephew. A little over seven years ago, my big sister (see above) told us she was pregnant. My first niece or nephew!! I was so excited, and honestly was surprised by the intensity with which I loved the little person growing in my sister. And then almost exactly seven years ago, then got the news that the little boy (they didn't tell us it was a boy until we got this news) had Down's Syndrome. This was devastating at the time. Overwhelming and sad.
And then Caleb arrived. And really, I think that boy has had us all wrapped around his finger since the day he showed up and blinked at us. With those deep, trusting blue eyes that he has. The first few years of Caleb's life I was away at college. I remember coming home and just holding him, holding tight to him. Ever since he was very little he has ALWAYS greeted me with a full speed ahead, running hug. That is the best feeling EVER, to see a little person who's so excited to see you they have to run full speed ahead for that hug. Since I came home from college, I've made it a point to be a big part of Caleb and his sister Ellie's lives. It's one of the bigger reasons I moved back to this state. I really loved California, but how would they know their Aunt Paige if they didn't see me often? They wouldn't, not like they do now. Now they are comfortable enough to come and stay with us for the weekend. I know them and they know me. Caleb is very important to me. I frequently think, "My God, if I love someone this much, and they're not even my own child, I cannot imagine what it will be like to have my own child." It's a little scary cuz I have a lot of love in my heart for my nephew. Alot. The reason today is for Caleb is because this weekend is the Buddy Walk for the National Down Syndrome Society in Manhattan. I have been looking forward to this forever. I'm the team captain of our team, Cruisin for Caleb. I can't wait. We'll all go and support Caleb, who is the sweetest six year old boy you could ever hope to meet.

Lastly, the pool of pasta. My weight loss buddy told me this week that I am "swimming in carbs". What, you think, does that mean? You have a pool of pasta in your backyard (I wish). I miss the days when we only focused on fat and calories and didn't worry so so much about carbs. I've read the South Beach Diet book, so I know what all the fuss is about. (I'm not on SBD, by the way. In case you were curious). I just- I don't like the fuss. I liked it when we didn't care about carbs. Cuz I looooooove me my potatoes, pasta, and popcorn. Yes maam, I do. In a few weeks my husband and I are going to see a nutritionist, and I wonder what her position on carbs is going to be. Regardless, I hope she has some helpful advice for me. Really I do.

It's not MY fault...

So for the last week or so, in case you haven't heard, I haven't felt well. Some sick twist between a cold and allergies. Last night, after a major meltdown- I really am such a baby when I'm sick- Khalil informed me there would be no gym-going tonight. For all you who are thinking, "What? She lets her husband tell her what she can and cannot do?"- you don't have to put up with my meltdowns. He does. So, alas, I did not go to the gym today.

I feel guilty. But it's not my fault, really!!!

No- it's funny. Once I get started with stuff like this, I have a hard time giving my body a break (hard to believe, I know). But I get out of the routine so fast, that I get scared that I won't go back.

That's not going to happen this time. This time, I'm going to give my body the break it needs. I'm going to rest and go back to the gym when I can take a full breath without hacking a lung out. That might be tomorrow, it might be Friday. But I'm not going to let this get me off my routine.

So if you see me, and I'm making excuses as to why I haven't gone back, and I'm drawing full breaths of air, please yell at me, give me a kick in the ass, and tell me to get my bruised behind back to the gym!

I lost 1.5 pounds. I'm not gonna gain it back. uh-huh.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you the most depressing thing about my weight journey. When I lose 13 pounds, I'll be at the weight I was when I was at my oh-my-God-I-can't-do-this-anymore weight almost two years ago. TWO YEARS people. And that was my STARTING WEIGHT. I'm thirteen pounds OVER THAT.

You want depressing? There it is. Oh god, I can do this. I have to.

Ultimate Couch Potato

So....... I've spent the last two days with my ass plastered to the couch. Yes, please, call me a couch potato. There IS a goal, though. A reason outside of laziness. While I was under the impression that my general overall feeling of feeling like crap was allergies, my best friend called on Friday.
J- Have you guys been sick?
Me- Yup.
J- ooooooh.
Me- Why?
J- Well, we've all been sick all week.
Me- With what (I'm now thinking, was this actually NOT allergies?)
J- You know, a sore throat, a cold, cough, etc.
Me- Yeah. We've been sick.

Turns out we think her four year old brought him home from preschool and shared it with all of us but didn't bother to get it herself. Remember those smooches? Yeah... great...Now, I know you're thinking, "this girl doesn't know the difference between allergies and a cold?" I don't. About two years ago I went to the MD after having a sore throat for about a month. She told me it was pnd from allergies. OOhhhhhhh. That's why I get this every year. So my guess is that the cold started it but I'll have a sore throat for a while. :( To bring me to my point - i know, i know, finally- I stayed on the couch to try and eliminate the cold. I think it's working. :)

So by the end of last week I did two classes and two days of the elliptihell. I bought a book that's only for elliptihell reading. So that's for when I can't do a class. This week my schedule is all over the place so I'm going to have to work really hard at getting to the gym. Ugh. I'm going to work on it though.

One thing I've been thinking about this weekend: how weight affects self-esteem, and how that then affects every aspect of my life. So basically, my weight affects every aspect of my life. Good reason to get it under control, no? I think so, too.

OMG. I swear I almost just hit publish post and forgot- I LOST 1.5 pounds this week!! GO me!! from 214 to 212.5!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm practically skin and bones, ha ha ha...

Back to the gym, hi ho hi ho

So this week has been good. I went to two (count them, TWO) classes, and that's just SO FAR!! I went to a yoga class I LOVED. Yesterday I was feeling shitty (allergies, smallergies) and my body just hurt from the two whole days in a row that I made it work hard. So I took the day off. Today I'm still not feeling 100% so I decided to skip the ass-kicking class and move right on to the elliptihell. (no, that's not a typo). However, this time I discovered the magazine rack. Granted, it's full of parenting, Golf Weekly, and very old Shape, no good smut like US Weekly or People or even a Time for God's sake, but I made do with a Parenting. And while I am not a parent, my 30 minutes on the Elliptihell went by much faster while schooling myself on the proper dos and don'ts of napping, how to make time for myself as a new mom (that will be useful at some point in my life), and the debate on whether or not infants should watch TV. Really, though, it flew by. After some sit ups and leg crunches, I was on my way.

New gym pet peeve? Skinny people. Mostly the anorexic looking ones. But also the healthy skinny people. Where's the fat people gym? I want to go there!! But, alas, one day I will also be the healthy looking people, and all will be well with the world. :)

I want to send out a special thanks to my friend who is my CT weight loss buddy for giving me a swift kick and telling me "get thee back to the gym, woman!!" I needed it.

Bad, bad blogger, and then some.

When I started my blog, I was going to be a good blogger. Someone with funny, touching, or just mundane posts- EVERY day.

Turns out, I'm not a good blogger. Some of my posts are really mundane, few are funny, and they don't happen every day. Good intentions pave... well, anyways. I'm going to try to be better. Does two posts in one day make up for it??

Have you ever hated the people in your exercise class? I have. There were three in particular. One was this girl- probably pretty close to my age. She was so fit- she looked almost exactly how I wanted to look. And she even knew all the steps. Ugh. So annoying. And when Karen, the instructor, said, "You can do the hop" or " You can do the turn if you want it higher impact", she did the hops and turns. I was just trying to keep up. The other girl was the veryveryvery skinny girl. In a white tank top and little red shorts. And she was so cute. And there I was in my dumpy full length workout pants and baggy t-shirt. I could NOT have felt any huger. And where do I choose to work out? Next to the skinny girl. Just so that in case anyone wondered- she was the skinny girl in class, and I was the fat girl. Yippee. Lastly, there was this other woman. She looked very in shape. And she had these curls, maybe chin length. And then what does she do? She puts a bandana in her hair- like in the middle of the curls. So there's like: curls, bandana, curls. I can't explain it here. But it was horrid. AND she did all the extra stuff too, with extra bounce. I hated her.
I didn't want to die as much in class today. Only a few times. The instructor, Karen, was really nice. She introduced herself to me before class and while I only told her my name, there were several comments forthcoming but I bit my tongue. For posterity sake, they were: "Hi, I'm Paige. I'll be the one fainted in the corner. Please continue class and just wake me up when you're done". Also, "Hi, I'm Paige. I know you said you wanted heavy weights, and every time you said heavy, you looked at my five pounders, but for me these are REALLY HEAVY. I struggle with the three pounds guys. So could you leave me alone about my weights?" And lastly, simply, "Hi, I'm Paige. Also known as very-out-of-shape, please bear with me. I promise to keep trying and get better". But I stopped at Hi, I'm Paige cuz well she doesn't really know me well and see not everyone gets my sense of humor. I know, you're SHOCKED. Also, Karen had this incredibly contagious smile. She was nice. The point- I went back!! Go me!!

One last thing I really want to say. I really, really, really love my husband. I love being married to that man more than I can put into meaningful words here. What does this have to do with everything else? Only a little, but that's small. But it's important to me, so it goes here. He is very, very good to me and to us. He's patient, incredibly supportive, he communicates with me, he... well, he's my bestest friend ever and I'm so lucky I get to be in love with him.

I'll leave you on that cheezy note. Smooches to all of you (remind me to tell you a cute story about smooches)...

We're all women, though, no??

First of all, let me say: so many thoughts, so little... time.

So I had my last post. Then this amazing community I'm part of- Hello Ladies! found my blog. (well, ok, I told them about it. "Whatever" to shameless self-promotion.) And then a small discussion ensued that got me to thinking. My wonderful Ladies were full of comments about me putting my thoughts about weight, self-esteem, and the hardships of weight loss and how brave I might be. They were not the only ones. A few of my friends, the ones I have chosen to be honest to about my journey, have made similar comments. "Thank you for sharing".

Huh. Last time I checked, we are all women. Now, to the men reading (Hi, Honey!) don't take offense. I just mean to say, that I always thought women talked. And I have been realizing, slowly but surely, that sometimes we don't. Men make fun of us for talking, but in reality it's a strength of ours. It is how we connect to each other and feel less alone and more a part of a community- that we are in this together. We do this by talking.

Turns out, there are some topics we put off as taboo. And weight is one of them, at times. Until we dare to bring it out in the open. I have to clarify for a sec. For a long, long time, I have been overweight. And for a long time, at first, I said nothing. Except in high school, the common teenage wail of, "I'm so fat" always answered obligatorily (is THAT a word??) by my friends with denials and comments of how they were so much fatter. Then I stopped talking about it. Most of my friends are skinny. For whatever reason. I didn't want to talk about it with them, they just wouldn't get it. I would get so annoyed when they'd talk about their issues, generally stated in the same high school way of, "I'm so fat"... but I stayed quiet. I knew that I actually was. Then I started making a joke of it. Ha ha ha, isn't it funny none of my clothes fit? Ha ha, isn't it funny that I don't wear shorts? Ha ha, Isn't it funny that I'm too fat to keep up?? Ha ha, this brownie's going to make me even fatter!!

A note to all of us: when people make fun of themselves, they're covering hurt. It's a defense mechanism.

Then, and this brings me to today: I started being honest. I started telling people: My husband, my friend, the Internet, how hard this is. How frustrating it is to feel this way. How hard it is to change my behavior. How hard it is to look back on progress that I worked my ass off to get, and that has all gone to hell.

Turns out? Other people have it hard too. I'm not the only one. Other people feel fat. They feel inadequate. They feel they could be doing more. and it's hard for them too. To me, this is so completely eye-opening. I thought other people were just saying that, cuz if you ask me, everyone's skinnier than me. So it must also be hardest for me. Everyone else has it easier. But I'm all growed up now, and I know. That when you don't feel good about yourself, whether it's 80 pounds, more or less, or you hate your hair, or your career, or your marriage failed, or any combination of those and 100 other things, it's hard. For all of us.

We need to talk about it more. Be more honest about our journeys. Because if there's one thing I think we as women have learned, it's that when we share our journey with each other it only makes it that much easier. To use a trite phrase: a burden shared is a burden halved. Or something like that. I hope I can be brave enough to continue being honest.

This deserves it's own post. but I have more to say.

What a week will bring

There's so much to say. I'll start with most recent and work my way backwards, more or less. ;) I hope you can keep up.

Today we started at the gym. Well, technically I started last week, as you know, but today both me and my husband started. And I was SO EXCITED because there was a class! That I could take! And not have to do the stupid elliptical!! So I took that class. And before I took it I asked the instructor what it was- cardio sculpt. She says, "Well, it's like 15 minute segments of different things". I think, ok. I like different things. If I haven't tried it before, I'll just look dumb. Been there, done that, no biggie.
Who knew that taking a class could be so emotional. Because i couldn't do it. Not because I didn't know the steps- that was fine and honestly it was pretty basic. But I was so tired and so out of shape that I just couldn't manage it. So I had to stop. I was the fat girl in the class who couldn't even get through the class. I mean, I started again, but still. And you know, I wasn't humiliated, or embarrassed. (although I did feel the need to apologize to the instructor for sucking so bad, but i didn't. Cuz then she'd think I was even worse off than I actually AM). But I was just so damn frustrated with myself. How did I get to this point again? How have I not stopped, looked at myself, and cut the shit already???
So there was that. Overall- classwise it was fun, and I'll do it again. Emotionally draining, of course. But for me- that's just incentive:
I'll show her. I'll show them all I can get back into shape and finish this class even at the highest impact- with my "arms over my head to increase my heartrate" just like you said, dammit. Watch me.

In other, less directly related news, I went with my hubby to the doctor yesterday. The doctor for me. This is a long story I'm not going to detail right now but will when I have the energy (ha ha ha), but the bottom line is I went to an APRN who diagnosed me with all kinds of craziness. My husband suggested we cut that out and go to my regular doctor. We did. She didn't know anything about the genetic problems (again, I'll go there when I'm less emotionally and physically drained), but referred us to a genetics counselor. There's a party if I ever saw one. She's worried about my insulin levels and is sending me to an endocrinologist. She suggested that between the two they should be able to put the pieces together and figure out all of me along with some of our family history. And lastly, a nutritionist. With my high insulin and high C-CRP, insurance will pay. Yippee. But I'm glad to go cuz I would love some non-weight watchers guidelines.
Which brings me to my next point.

There's this commercial on TV. The first time I saw it I was in tears (I may have been PMS-ing, but trust me, with me, that's a moot point). There's this song, and these women. Who look just like me. And words like, "there's a woman who always thinks she's the fattest one in the room. There's a woman who avoids mirrors" and I think a few more. Then "there's a place they can go".
And all of a sudden reality sets in. Because to be honest, really truly and brutally honest, wherever it was they can go I wanted to go. I wanted to know that place. I wanted to make friends there, friends with people who can understand.

Then it hit me. I've been there. And it wasn't like that- not for me.

Yup. You guessed it. It's a commercial for Weight Watchers. And as a fat chick, I can tell you for us, it's one of the best commercials ever. It gets us *here* and draws us in. We think things like, "finally? there's a place where someone will get me? Where is that? Can I go? Will they even accept me???". And then you realized you've been t here. And it's just not entirely like the commercial says. We didn't get together for pool parties together. We didn't go to a hotel together (although I have to admit that was the one thing I did NOT get in the commercial). We didn't go to fancy parties together, all wearing white.

And I cried again. For the place that doesn't exist where real people totally understand. Because Weight Watchers worked for me once and didn't work for me the second time. And maybe if I tried again, maybe it works for me on the odd numbers. I don't know. But I'm too scared to try and find out. I have to try something different again. I can't go back to the place where people might understand.

(as a disclaimer. My husband gets me. I have a few friends who get it. But in my head- there was a whole place of people who understood.)

That was alot of Internet Talking. I'm going to go eat dinner now. :)

One last note: Happy Birthday Hannah Grace. I've been thinking about you all day. I love you and miss you.

Insight?

I came to a... an insightful moment.
My weight is indirectly proportionate to my self esteem. Meaning, of course, that as my weight goes up my self-esteem goes down.
Huh. Now there's a weighty (no pun intended) thought. I think it's sad that sometimes I can't see the good in me- the good wife, friend, aunt, sister, daughter, and social worker that I am. I'm funny (sometimes), kind, always willing to give people a second chance. I'm smart and I am pretty. Even though I don't always believe that. Don't get me wrong- I'm not by any stretch perfect. I can be moody, bossy, unforgiving, and can make snap judgements. But I'm willing to admit those things about me and I work on them.
It's those things that are worth thinking about- focusing on. Not that I don't... need and want to focus on my weight. I need to- it's health related. But I wish that how much I weigh didn't have any effect on how I feel about myself.

Gym Day today!

So I went to the gym today!!
There were no classes this afternoon (it being a friday afternoon at a Jewish gym, after all) and I couldn't go in the pool because I have pink eye.
So I did some time on the elliptihell and TEN (10!) crunches!

Go me.

Probably won't go again until next week, what with weddings, picnics, and MD appointments. But I'll be back. With a vengeance.

Also, I decided I don't want this blog to just be about my weight loss. Cuz... *yawn* for anyone but me. So... you'll see more of me. Uh-huh. Don't say I didn't warn you.